I don’t know exactly when you decided to come into my life. I know we have been trying to get control over some issues together, so you very likely have come into my world when Mom and Dad separated.
I am only now learning how toxic our relationship is. You are like the best friend that secretly hates me, talks me into doing stupid things and doesn’t want me to eat.
Organ failure. Decrease in energy. Severe weight loss. Hair falling out. Nails going brittle. It will get worse if I don’t stop.
I wasn’t hungry anymore. Until now. I saw how much strength there is left in me, how much I can accomplish. I came to the conclusion that I need energy for that, I need food.
Now my mind and body react to what I have done to them in the past few years. I get sick when I don’t eat, but I feel even worse if I do. Feeling excessively full, which triggers my already existing anxiety. Feelings of: Should I have eaten (all of) this? I did eat when I was hungry, I did stop tonight when I was full. I suppose my stomach isn’t used to getting a full meal.
I am afraid of throwing up, of feeling sick and weak in front of others. But I want to live. I want to be as strong as I know I can be. I want to be able to go out and just eat. I am going to fight you.